


The Innuendo Squad

by The_traveling_wilburys_of_pain



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Gen, just for fun, the least serious thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-01
Updated: 2012-12-01
Packaged: 2017-11-20 01:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/579557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_traveling_wilburys_of_pain/pseuds/The_traveling_wilburys_of_pain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1200 years of time and space had prepared the Doctor to handle just about any situation that could cause the implosion of the universe. Nothing, however, could have prepared him for this.</p>
<p>In which Jack and River have a lot in common.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Innuendo Squad

There were some things, the Doctor had learned, that could singlehandedly cause the fabric of space and time to unravel into millions of fraying threads. Timelines doubling over and crossing themselves could do this, as could the disruption of a moment fixed in history. In his 1200 years of adventure he had, of course, committed more than a few of these cardinal sins, but the effort and pain it took to rectify them served as a reminder of the importance of precaution. That is not to say that he avoided such mishaps at any cost, but he did do his best to limit them to absolute necessities or opportunities too fun to pass up.  
1200 years of time and space had prepared him to handle just about any situation that could cause the implosion of the universe. Nothing, however, could have prepared him for this.

"Nice face, Doctor."  
"Thanks, I made it myself."  
Jack chuckled. "300 years of your time since I last saw you, and you've still got that sass."  
The Doctor huffed indignantly and straightened his bow tie. "I never sass."  
"Sweetie, the day you don't sass will be the day Hell freezes over."  
The Doctor whipped his head around to see River descending the TARDIS staircase, her black dress sweeping each stair. And while it had been some time since the sight of her annoyed him, he couldn't help the frustration that short circuited his mind. (The particularly low-cut dress wasn't helping, either.)  
"River, darling," he said in a low voice that bordered on a growl; the sarcastic stress on the term of endearment was enough to make him cringe at his own words. "How did you get in here?"  
River laughed. "Darling, that's a good sign, not too early for you then. Vortex manipulator, my love. All I had to do was figure out where exactly you were. Good thing your box seems rather attached to me. If I didn't know better, I'd say you should be jealous - but I'm not sure who or what you should be jealous of."  
The Doctor turned to Jack, exasperated, and wished to Hell and back that he hadn't just seen Jack's eyes light up like the silver auroras over the eastern pole of Calibra. But he had, and before he could issue a word of warning he felt Jack's coat sweep his own calves as Jack approached the stairs.  
"Captain Jack Harkness," Jack said, arm outstretched to River. "And who are you?"  
"Jack, don't," the Doctor said, his eyes burning a hole right through that ridiculous coat. "I mean it this time."  
"He never lets me say hello," Jack pseudo-whispered, his voice loud enough that the Doctor could still very much hear what he said.  
"Haven't the faintest idea why," River said, her narrowed eyes pinning Jack's until his smile began to crack. She then laughed and placed her hand delicately in Jack's.  
"I'm River Song, and we're a bit beyond introductions, wouldn't you say, Captain?" Jack blinked several times in quick succession, silently cursing his memory for failing him in this regard. River noted the confusion.  
"Actually, I've met you, but you haven't met me. Not this me, anyway."  
Jack withdrew his hand and tilted his head slightly to one side, bouncing almost imperceptibly as he processed the information. "You're...you're like him?" He yanked his head back towards the Doctor.  
"Quite right. You remember Mels, I presume?"  
"He probably doesn't," the Doctor shouted from across the control room. He whipped around and walked until he stood directly behind Jack. "It has to be difficult to keep track of how many times he's had this conversation." He looked at River directly and whispered in his rusty native tongue, "You never told me about him."  
"You never asked," River said in English. "And, Captain," she said, her voice curling around the title in a way that made the Doctor's jaw clench. "Do you remember me?"  
"Remember you?" Jack snorted. "You almost killed me! And that was while that still meant something."  
"Oh, don't try to tell me it wasn't worth it."  
"Understatement of the century," Jack agreed. “You never did teach me how to do that thing with the monkey wrench.”  
"Well! That's enough of that," the Doctor said, swooping in between the two of them and turning do he was just barely looking down at Jack. "I'll do the introductions now. Jack, I'd like you to meet River Song, my wife."  
"Wife?" Jack stepped back, then chuckled. "I never saw that coming, Doc. And I must say, it's a bit of a shock. Never took you for the settling-down type."  
At that, River nearly doubled over in laughter, her curls bouncing. "Believe me," she said once she had caught her breath. "My husband can't bear to be 'settled' for more than five minutes at a time, even if his life depended on it."  
"I bet you can't," Jack said, leaning closer to the Doctor. "You've still got that adventurous streak after all this time, huh?" His eyes glistened and the Doctor suppressed a groan. "And I bet that's not just limited to time and space, is it?"  
"Jack, really, stop this."  
"I'm not doing anything," Jack said. "Not at the moment, anyway. But I could be."  
"River," the Doctor pleaded, "do something. Don't you have a problem with this?"  
"Not at all, sweetie. Quite the opposite," River said, a small smile creeping over her face. "This is almost as good as that birthday last...well, spoilers."  
“One day, I’m going to read that diary of yours, then go back to the old you and preemptively chastise her for everything I should be mad at you about.”  
“Sweetie, you know you can’t stay mad at me.”  
“It’s easier when you’ve got a gun in your hand.”  
Jack chuckled. “You know, Doc, I think I like this one,” he said. “She’s tough, and she can handle you. I only hope you can handle her.”  
“Oh he handles me marvelously,” River said.  
“I’d imagine.”  
“I bet you would.”  
“If you two are done flirting,” the Doctor said, “Jack still has a job to do. Remember, I you asked me to drop you back off in Amsterdam, 1643, on the 30th of November. Don’t you have an endangered alien species to kill or something?”  
“I guess you’re right,” Jack said. “Thanks for the lift.”  
“Thanks for helping me with that black hole. Now off you go, go save the world or whatever it is you do.”  
“Jack,” River said, “Amsterdam, 1643? You’re going to need some help out there.”  
“You’ve been?”  
“Yes, and I had a lovely time, but that’s not important right now.”  
“Isn’t there a violent invasion?”  
“Didn’t I say I had a lovely time? Of course there was! I’m just offering my assistance.”  
The Doctor tensed and let out a frustrated sigh. “River, I know I can’t stop you, but you know I can’t go with you. Apparently I’m a wanted man in this city. No idea why. Hasn’t happened to me yet. But if you cross your own time stream, you could rip apart the universe. Again.”  
“Again?” Jack said, smiling. “Now I definitely like this one. River, do you have a gun on you?”  
“That implies only one.”  
“Perfect.” Jack stepped off the staircase and turned to the Doctor. “Guess this is goodbye for now, Doc. Don’t do that thing where you run off for a few hundred years. You know how bored I get.”  
“Now Jack,” the Doctor said in a borderline-whisper. “I meant what I said earlier. That’s my wife. No funny business, alright?”  
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Jack said. “Too jealous.”  
“Of who?”  
“Her,” Jack said, placing a hand on the Doctor’s shoulder. “She succeeded where I failed.” He clamped down on the shoulder and released it, leaving a very confused Doctor behind as he strode towards the TARDIS door.  
“Coming, River?”  
“Just a moment,” River said. She, too, stepped off the staircase and turned to face the Doctor. She took his hand in hers and lightly kissed his cheek. “Until next time, my love.”  
“And when will that be?”  
River considered for a moment, then leaned in to whisper coordinates in the Doctor’s ear. “Whenever you’re ready.” She let go of the Doctor’s hand and walked through the control room, her dress swaying so that it failed to conceal the shape of two guns held in thigh holsters.  
“River, just a moment,” the Doctor said, taking several great strides to catch up with her. She turned in surprise.  
“What the hell did you do with a monkey wrench?”  
River laughed and kissed the Doctor, her (non-hallucinogenic) lipstick staining his upper lip as she pulled away.  
“Spoilers.”


End file.
